Chicago-1

There was a feeling of exhilaration about Chicago. Or could it have been my first taste of real freedom. The World's Fair was over. There were three piece bands and strippers in the South State street bars. Roosevelt was president and things were on the mend.
No one put bars on their windows unless they were building a jail. It was a "toddlin' " town and paranoia was a word few people knew. Three years of Quaker Boarding school had not fitted me for the life I found myself in, but I had learned early to be adaptable. A series of foster homes preceded the boarding school experience and I had become somewhat like a chameleon, not really knowing who I was but eager to find out. Everything was interesting and a challenge.
I had a good job and was making my own money. No one to what to do. I felt released from restrictions and ready for anything. I put Jim easily out of my mind. He was not the man for me. In fact he was not a man at all but how could he be at 19 years? Neither of us were strong enough to withstand his mother. She dominated him as she did his father, brother and sister. Looking back now and with a son of my own, I can better understand her. She wanted what she thought was best for him and I thank her for showing me how to be a hands-off mother in law.

In the thirties the orgasm wasn't the big thing as it is today. Most women did not feel deprived because they never expected it to happen and they were not disappointed. Most were not particularly pleased with the act of intercourse, perhaps even bored with it as a duty. At the same time some mother and father would be celebrated annually in the newsreels and papers as the family of the year, the one with the biggest family.

Chicago-2

In the thirties the orgasm wasn't the big thing it seems to be today. Most women did not feel deprived because they never expected it to happen and thus were not disappointed. The act of intercourse was a boring duty to accommodate the male. However, once a year the family with the most children was celebrated nation wide as the family of the year. Roosevelt was president and things were on the mend. There was a feel about Chicago, an excitement. The World's Fair of 1934 was on and the juke box had not yet replaced the three piece bands in every little bar room. No one put bars on their windows unless they were building a jail.
It was a toddlin' town, and paranoia was a word few people knew. Those were the depression years. Ditch diggers were not machines; they hadn't been invented yet. They were men put to work by the W.P.A., Works Progress Administration. Another program which put people to work was the C.C.C., Civilian Conservation Corps. They were mostly younger people and examples of their work can be seen in many of our national parks today, walks, bridges and culverts etc. Meanwhile the artists were not left out.Their work can be seen in the many murals which decorate Post offices and other public buildings.
It was also a time when nylon replaced silk for hosiery and the first detergents appeared on the market. Wind up victrolas gave way to electricity and no one remarked any longer if a lady wore her hair "bobbed".
Three years of Quaker boarding school had not fitted me for the life I found myself in but I had learned early to be adaptable. I was somewhat like a chameleon, not really knowing who I was and eager to find out. Everything was interesting and a challenge.

Chicago 3

Those were the depression years. Ditch diggers were not machines but men, put to work by the W.P.A., the Works Progress Administration, an dthey were generally depicted as leaning on their shovels, but things got done. Boys were sent off to C.C.C. camps, Civilian Conservation Corps. Meanwhile, artists decorated public buildings with murals, many of which remain today.
It was also the time when nylon replaced silk for hosiery and the first detergents appeared on the market. Juke boxes had not yet replaced all the small bands in night clubs but were making inroads. Wind up victrolas gave way to electricity and no one remarked any longer if a lady wore her hair "bobbed".

The men in my life? We shall begin with the first one, not really the first, that was my father but that comes later.

His name was Jim and we met in a park in Chicago on a spring evening when the moon was big and reflected in a small pond. I was fourteen and living in a foster home in Montclair District, NW Chicago suburb, with a woman who had a grown daughter who no longer lived at home. Her husband was a solid quiet man who worked at the Post Office.
I helped with the housework and went to school. I was a sophomore and the youngest in my classes, as usual. But, back to Jim. He was seventeen - black hair, blue eyes and small sideburns; quite handsome, I thought. "Blue moon, you saw me standing alone, without a love of my own.", the popular song explained my mood exactly, so when he introduced himself adn asked if I'd like to go for a walk with him. I said, "Sure, why not?"

He bought us ice cream cones and,as we neared my house, he said he'd like to see me again and would I like to see a movie? Again, "Sure, why not?" He came in and met Mr. and Mrs. Sanger and they agreed that he could take me out. We began going steady. That meant that neither of us dated anyone else. That was easy; I didn't know anyone else except at the shop near the school where we went for lunch or sodas or when we cut classes. I had only lived there about two months.

One night on one of our many walks, Jim became persistent. He wanted to make love to me. I wasn't quite sure what that meant but I finally gave in. What better way to find out.

It was a strange experience in a dark corner of some steps leading to what seemed to be a deserted building. It blurs in my mind and I can't recall any sensation except for the feeling I had done something that pleased him, and I did want to please him. We told each other we were in love and that the blue moon had brought us together.

Mrs. Sanger had a woman friend; they had worked as nurses together, but Mrs. Sanger no longer worked after she married. When she went out shopping, this woman and Mr. Sanger would go into the bedroom together and, as the door closed, she would smile at me and say they were planning a surprise for Mrs. S. They sure were. About a month later, they ran off together. I felt very sorry for Mrs. S. bout could no longer stay there.

My dear case worker, Mrs. Nevils, found me another home in Oak Park as mother's helper to a sweet pregnant lady who already had a 3 year old daughter. It was quite upper clas. Jim used to come across town to see me whenever he could and we made love in earnest whenever possible, the obvious result being that I found myself pregnant.

"Well," says he, "I suppose we'll have to get married. What will Mother say?" He seemed more concerned about Mother's reaction than my situation. I think fear of her made us decide to run away, leave the city, find a nice farm or something somewhere where we could work for our living.

We had idyllic ideas about the world outside of Chicago. So we planned, took some blankets, clothes and food. We could camp out and boarded a trolley to the end of the line. We walked and walked til dark and lay down in a field to sleep. When we woke the next morning, some bug had bitten Jimmy on the eyelid and it was swollen. He didn't look or feel so handsome and brave and wanted to go home and face the music. And I said, "What about me?" His home was not mine. I didn't have one and didn't want to face his Mother whom I had never met. I did not know what to expect. But again I gave in and we took the trolley back to "face the music".

Mother seemed quite sensible once whe calmed down and took charge. Mostly she was concerned about my pregnancy. She offered advice about certain pills obtainable at a local drug store which would alter my condition and I was agreeable because I didn't want Jim ever to be able to say he had to marry me. I had my pride. I went back to the home in Oak Park and in about a week after taking those horrible capsules I passed painlessly what looked like a sort of soft clothespin in a little bag of water. That was it. When Jim came by I told him about it and we made plans to marry. He still wanted to get married and so did I. We went to Waukegan just over the line in Michigan with his younger brother in the family car with the family's blessing.

After all, we had spent a night together and in those days, the thirties, that was reason enough to wed and presumably make everything acceptable again. I said I was 16; I was really 15 and the Justice of Peace didn't question further, just got another person in for a witness and did his job. No talk, veil, flowers, etc.

We found a two room apartment on the 3rd floor near Lincoln Park. It was airy and the treetops were just outside the windows. While it was shabby, it was clean and ours. Jim got a job in a produce market nearby. $15 a week and all the nearly over ripe fruit and veggies he wanted. Our rent was $10 per month.

We were happy, I guess. I thought we were. I was. The first home of my own meant a lot to me. I knew how to cook and clean. Foster homes had taught me that and at last I was doing it for myself and Jim. Summer was nearly over when one day Mother came by. She thought it would be a good idea if we moved into Jim's old room so we could save some money to buy furniture and in the spring rent an unfurnished apartment. After she left we argued, I think for the first time. Jim agreed with her; "Mother knows best" and all that. I wasn't so sure. We were all right where we were, weren't we? Why move into their apartment with Mom, dad, bro and sis? But again he prevailed. I loved him and Mother was, well, Mother. I didn't remember mine. She died when I was 3½ years old.

About the marriage, I must back up in the story to say Mis Nevils knew I was mature enough but my father was very distressed and disappointed. He wanted better: college, but could do nothing about it. I did not see him again for many years.
Mother Wharton, as she ironed, would say things like, "I worked so hard keeping my boys clean in their little sailor suits." and "If I had it all to do over again," etc. I got the impression that she almost wished she hadn't had children. Well, I was never one to be idle for long and if we were going to save money, we had to have some money to save. I answered a blind ad in the paper and was interviewed for a job at Montgomery Ward mail order Dept and was accepted. When I got home, there was also an answer from the blind ad I'd sent in a few days before to come to work at M.W. I got the job twice.

It was in the reconditioning department. where merchandise had been returned for some reason or other. I was assigned curtains and drapes. About 5 to 6 pages in the catalog with pictures and accompanying numbers, and I was to examine and repackage and number each item to be put back in stock. I worked so fast and memorized most of the numbers, so that soon I was making approx. $35 per week. I had never had so much money. One had to be at work t 6 a.m. but if one got there by 5:30, there was free coffee and doughnuts in the cafeteria. I was usually there at 5:30 in spite of a long cold trolley ride in the winter weather. Also, they had a shop for employees where the prices must have been near wholesale and I bought a kelly green wool coat with a brown fur collar and some other nice clothes I needed.

Mother must have been keeping track of me pretty closely because one day she asked me when my last period had been. I had missed two and knew I was pregnant but didn't think it was any of her business. I was a married woman and if I had a baby, it was all right now. She had other thoughts on the subject and expressed herself loud and clear. We were too young to be burdened. Her son needed a chance. She knew, if she had it to do over again, etc. Jim as usual sided with her. The following weekend, so I wouldn't lose a working day, she paid the money and found an abortionist. Jim took me there at night after office hours and the deed was done. It hurt like hell. I can still recall the scraping feeling and the wondering why.

Friday night. Saturday I spent mostly in bed and Sunday I was up but I was not my usual easygoing self. I was sullen and feeling put upon, and believed I had good reason to feel that way. Seeing my mood and the way I just sat in the rocking chair and rocked with nothing to say, the family left to go to a movie. Except for Jim.

That's when I gave my ultimatum. "I knew we should have stayed by ourselves. Mother was always right. What about me and what I want? Are you married to her or me? I've had it. I'm leaving!" I went into his/our room and gathered up my few things into two suitcases.

As I started down the stairs, Jim hollered after me, "If you leave, don't come back."
Don't worry; I won't.", I replied. The outer door clicked shut. Then I recalled I'd forgotten my hairbrush. I rang the bell. Jim said, "I thought you'd change your mind."
As I brushed past him, "I forgot my hair brush."
I went to a nearby hotel and got a room and reported for work Monday a.m. I was young and strong and recovered fast from my ordeal, and it was an ordeal.The abortion, the disappointment with Jim. I was free of it all at last and on my own with a good job. Those were the depression years.

1936

Jim somehow found out where I was and came up to my room. I was surprised to see him.

He wanted us to get back together but he seemed uneasy, and when the phone rang, he ran like a scared rabbit. "It's my mother. Don't tell her I'm here!" It wasn't her. And I did not see him again for nearly two years. Mama got the marriage annulled meanwhile.

I didn't want to see him again. I moved to a hotel on the near north side and began going to dances at the Aragon ballroom and skating at a huge rink with organ music and just seeing what it was all about. I heard about a night club, "The Planet Mars", which had a good floor show so, dressed in my new orange knit suit and my chestnut brown hair which was naturally curly, I sat at a table alone near the dance floor and sipped my Tom Collins slowly, waiting for the show.

Richard "Lord" Buckley

And there he was, Dick Buckley, M.C. So far as I was concerned, he was the whole show. I had never seen anyone like him.

He rolled up his pant legs and held his jacket in front of him with the shoulder pads for imitation tits and did an incredible hula dance. He told risque jokes and made remarks about politics and greed-heads. I could not take my eyes away from him and he had definitely noticed me. After the show, he came over to my table and sat down, bought another Tom Collins and said, "Wait for me." I sat through two more shows and we left together.

His room at the Chelsea Hotel was flooded by music, "Valse Triste" and selections from "The Planets" while he made love to me like I never imagined it could be, my first orgasm.
I saw him once more at another club but I didn't let him see me. I had found out that he was married and I supposed I was just "a one night stand" or lay, whichever. What else could a popular man like him see in me?

I still worked at Montgomery Wards but it was getting harder and harder to get there by 6 a.m. after I'd been out late dancing or skating. One day I realized I was pregnant again. This time nothing stood in my way. I called Mrs. Nevils and gave her the info that I had left Jim and was pregnant; could she help? She said she'd try. Within two weeks I found myself in a Salvation Army home for unwed mothers-to-be. Bellies of all sizes. There were about 25 girls there. Some had already given birth and were learning to care for their babies. Some gave them up for adoption. Although I was still married, Mrs. Nevils must have had some leverage.

It was a pleasant place, lots of hymn singing and clapping in time to the music. Good wholesome food. Excellent care by the best doctors who contributed their services. Now and then there would be little bottles in the bathroom with our names on them, which we were required to fill first thing in the a.m.

There was sewing and embroidery for those not permitted harder work. I was assigned to the laundry, running a huge horizontal barrel of laundry, running a huge horizontal barrel of a washing machine. Sheets, cases, towels, the ample cotton print dresses which we all wort, starched and ironed. I thrw armloads of linens from the machine into an extractor and set it whirling. I felt pretty important to have such a responsible job. Other girls sat at mangles, ironing flatwork and some ironed the dresses, etc.

A pleasant and sunny place, no smoking, no drinking, just a routine which made the months fly by. When my labor started one a.m., my friends were surprised. I looked to be no more than 6 or 7 months pregnant at 2:35a.m. December 8, 1936, my baby arrived. How beautiful he was.

He looked a lot like Jim at first, dark hair, sideburns, but I knew that he definitely was not Jim's and I was glad he wasn't. I forgave myself for the two abortions because I ahd been too young to know better. I left Jim because I realized I was second place to his Mother and would probably always be. He just wasn't man enough for me at 19. I was two months from my 17th birthday and had been moved around and told what to do and not do by so many supposedly well meaning people, I just had had it.

Mother's ward

It wasn't that I was so anxious to have a baby. I just presumed one got married and had children as a matter of course. No, I was not interested in having him adopted, though. He's mine.

[ different draft of preceding ]

Jimmy 1

Coffee and Cigarette. Take C & C ... Conditioning. How to become reconditioned ?
When I was 15 and just 16, I worked for Montogomery Ward's huge central warehouse in Chicago.

Montogomery Ward's huge central warehouse in Chicago.

I was called a reconditioner. My job was to inspect merchandise returned by mail order customers. Five or six pages of the catalog were my domain, curtains, some yarns and threads. In a few weeks, I had memorized the catalog numbers of the most ordered items and, as it was piece work, this save time. I didn't have to look up the numbers on most articles and, being a naturally fast mover, I made a very good salary. This was in 1935-36. I was married to James Wharton and much against my better judgement we were living with his mother and father and younger brother and sister. Jim's mother had convinced him that we should move into his room and save our money so we could buy furniture and get an unfurnished flat. I had been very happy in our two room, third floor apartment in the tree tops overlooking Lincoln Park but Mamma prevailed.

I got the job twice. I had answered a blind ad and also interviewed at Ward's. A few days later, I received notice by mail to come to work. It was cold and dark and a long trolley ride, 7¢ fare, to work and 6 a.m. was starting time. If one arrived at 5:30, there were free coffee and sweetrolls in the cafeteria for us early starts. I brought my lunch.

Jimmy 2

Jim was still working at the fruit stand making $15 per week and all the over ripe fruit he could carry. I made $30- 35. Momma all the time complaining how hard she worked caring for her children when thy were young, keeping them spotless in their little sailor suits and cooking and cleaning, etc. While father was very noncommittal, deferring to her in most things. He had decided that was the only way to keep peace, I suppose, so he sat and smoked his pipe. Jim truly believed mother knew best. I did not concur, but because I thought I loved Jim, I let him have his way.
After two or three months on the job Momma noticed I had skipped a monthly period. She never missed anything. So she confronted us one evening with this fact. Did we want to struggle and scrape, work our fingers to the bone as she had? We were much too young to have a child. What about the flat and furniture and all that? The pressure was too much. Did I want lose my job? What was I doing to her son! She raved for a week or so, Jim as usual on her side. So I gave in. $300 she loaned me and found an abortionist. The dirty business took place on a weekend so I wouldn't lose a day of work.

Jimmy 3

Spring - We drove to Waukegan and were married in a civil ceremony. I swore I was 16? 18? and the Justice of the Peace accepted it. I didn't know what I was getting into but I did know what I was getting out of, other people's homes into my own. Jim was handsome, black hair, blue eyes and he loved me and I loved him. Together we would make it. His job at the fruit market paid $15 per week. In 1936, it was not impossible. We also got overly ripe fruit and veggies. Our two room third floor apartment looked through leafy treetops to Lincoln Park. It was $10 a month, bath in the hall, laundery tubs in the basement.

For entertainment, we had the zoo, window shopping, walk in the park and each other. I hadn't realized how long Mrs. Wharton's apron strings were. She convinced Jimmy that we should live with for the winters. We would have his room and save money to buy our own furniture. I was not happy with the plan but Jimmy agreed with her. There was his older brother, younger sister, Mom and Dad. Dad was a quiet man, smoked his pipe, read the paper and seldom spoke. Mom chattered on about her early days. How hard it was raising the boys, all the work keeping them clean.If she had it all to do over again, etc. I decided to look for work, took the trolley to the Montgomery Ward store and Mail Order House on the Chicago River and filled out an application. Next day answered a blind ad in the paper. The following week two letters arrived from M.W. asking me to report for work.

Jimmy 4

It was the first time I had been made love to. Jimmy had some strange ideas about sex, believing it sapped his strength and that genitals were dirty. Sure, they're dirty if they are dirty but there's no excuse for that. He considered only his own needs and I was accommodating as a good wife. But, Oh! Revelation, This was how it should be and I responded instinctively and had my first orgasm, sweaty, breathless, exhilarated, exhausted. Dick Buckley changed my world. He was not yet the Lord he later became but to me he was the King.. When I discovered he was married, I knew nothing could come of it. I would not see him again.

Days went by, work, play, eating alone in restaurants. Doing as I pleased. I missed one period, then two. Surely I was pregnant. Abortion was not an option. I would have his child, somehow.

Jimmy 5

It was a most unpleasant ordeal. It was very quiet on the drive home.

I sat in the big rocker all the next day, Saturday, rocking and thinking. This was wrong, not the way I thought a marriage should be. Was Jimmy married to his mother or me? Why shouldn't we have a baby? Was it a crime to get pregnant? I was married, wasn't I? I wanted my own place.
Jim's folks, sensing that all was not well between us, went out to a movie. We had it out. Of course, I don't remember the exact words, but it went something like this.

"What's the matter with you?"

"What do you think is the matter with me?"

I mean, what's wrong?"

"Everything."

Jimmy knelt down beside the rocker, waiting for me to continue. I felt like crying but I was too angry to cry. "I don't want to live here anymore, I want our own place." Jimmy got up and paced back and forth.
"Momma says -"
"I'm sick and tired of what Momma says. You didn't marry Momma, you married me." I got up, went to the bedroom, got my two suitcases from under the bed and started packing my things.
"What are you doing, are you crazy?"
"No. I've just come to my senses. I've had enough. You're not a man, you're a Momma's boy."

Jimmy 6

"Where are you going? What are you going to do? You can't leave like this."

He was almost hysterical. I was cold and calm.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be OK."

It didn't take long to pack my few belongings. While Jimmy watched in disbelief.
I put on my new kelly green wool coat with the brown fur collar I had bought at the employees' discount store and, with my suitcases, headed for the door. "Goodbye, Jim." and down the stairs I went.

"If you leave now, don't you come back." he hollered after me.

"Don't worry. I won't." echoed through the hall.

The downstairs door slammed shut. Half a block away I remembered my hair brush. I went back and rang the bell. The buzzer sounded and I went in.

"You've come back.", Jim seemed ready to welcome me with open arms.

"Yes, I forgot my hairbrush."

He threw it down the stairs to me. I checked in to a local hotel, took a bath and went to bed. On my own at last. I was so exhilarated at the prospect, sleep was a long time coming but emotional and physical exhaustion finally won out. I slept til noon.

1937 - Richard Buckley

Here's to Glory. Here's to Albert. Here's to Tom and Jim and David. And especially, Here's to His Lordship. When Eskimos change wifes, a custom no longer observed by them, they believed that one night of love was insufficient to impregnate the lady. Not to make a case out of it, that's what happened to me. I could not have done differently than I did. I was truly mesmerized.
His outrageous self assurance, his complete control of the audience, except for an occasional heckler who ended up wishing he were somewhere else, or on the other hand, showed a little class and respectfully shut up.

Unsophisiticated as I was, I knew a good thing when I saw it and I didn't even have to make up my mind whether or no. Richard knew he was irresistable, it was all systems go. That one night gave my life direction. It gave me a son, my own relative. I never felt a need for family. Had no brothers or sisters, no mother and a father with whom I felt I had nothing in common.